Not the Only Bird on Your Window Sill...

“These days just seem to pass invisible…” someone once sang to me. I wish I could describe my days like that. I wake up in an empty bed and stare at my ceiling, trying not to feel the vacant spot to my left. Hardly invisible, the walls and books and masks scream memories of a better time. My lonely organ mourns in the corner. If only I can get myself out of bed, I can get out of this house. I can get lost in Griffith Park with my dogs. I can search for a new over-priced, trendy coffee shop. I can talk to strangers that might someday be real friends. So many hours in a day! How do you talk yourself out of the anxiety and just relax when you’re constantly running from a sudden silence in your head, a break of thoughts, in which that horrible feeling returns and you remember that he is gone, and happy, and you are not?

 

I booked a meeting with an agency today. Unfortunately I look far from the smiling belle in the photographs I sent them. Walking through that door covered in bandaids and bruises with a stiff neck and broken ribs will at least provide for an interesting conversation starter. It’s been a rough month. I’m sick of telling people why I’m broken. The truth is the energy it takes to catch myself from falling down just doesn’t seem worth it. I’ve been hit with so many mental and emotional blows that the physical ones seem trivial enough. They say that one’s outward appearance directly reflects their inner state—I am walking (barely) proof.

 

How long can I pretend that he’s just busy? That he still thinks of me, as I think of him, and his heart still melts for me, and that my adoring eyes are his soul’s definition of infinite beauty. My texts are not answered. My e-mails are read, and met with silence. I only receive calls when he needs something. I never get to see his face, and when I do, I don’t recognize him. So many times now I’ve received his new, expensive boot in my teeth, and I sulk away like a beat dog, with nothing but love still resonating in my teary eyes. True love is loving someone through good and bad. I was always there through both. You leave every time it gets good for you.

 

I am not the only bird. There are others. And beautiful letters are flying from foreign places to different addresses other than mine, if mine even makes it. You will dazzle them with articulate words, buy them savory wines. But for me, I am the rock. I will always be there, always have been, and therefore you can kick me around as much as you want—for a rock doesn’t move when you kick it. A bird is crushed, or simply flies away. I fought the Moon and the Stars for you, and now I am realizing that I have become the least important person in your life, because you don’t need me anymore. And if I have nothing but my love to give, you can find love elsewhere, and in newer and more exciting places and people. I am a vision of your past that reminds you of a time you couldn’t stand alone, and now that you can you want to bury me away from the world so they don’t know that you weren’t always so strong and confident. But I am not that part of your life, I am a person. And I love you. And I feel shunned.

 

There are so many boundaries unestablished. I miss your family. You made me a part of them. I still get your mail, like you’re just “out of town”. You are surrounded by new people and places and are constantly moving, and I’m still trying to convince myself to get out of bed today. How do I start to let go? Because I will figure this out. And when all of this is over, you will look back and be the fool, not I. I am beautiful. I am the most giving and unconditionally loving woman you will ever meet. I am creative and smart and constantly learning. And slowly I will turn myself into sand, or mend my broken wings so I too can fly away.

XO kate